[ If Lalli had only been yelling at him about the two of them – about how he didn’t want Reynir as his friend, obviously, and about how stupid he was, Reynir would have taken it without a word. He probably would’ve cried later, sure, but he wouldn’t have gotten mad.
But it’s different, when Lalli brings Onni into it. Different when he insists so viciously that (or this is how it sounds to Reynir) Onni doesn’t need anybody else in his life besides his self-centered cousin. That Onni doesn’t deserve to have people of his own, and Lalli refuses to take criticism from anyone about the abysmal way he treats Onni. All he can keep thinking is that things are going to stay exactly the same, and Lalli is going to chase away anyone who tries to get close to Onni or look after him, and Onni deserves better than that.
So Reynir’s face goes hard, jaw set. And the truth just – spills from him, without varnish, without softening. ]
You’re wrong. I’m not a stranger anymore. I know what he and you went through.
[ Reynir might not have lived it, but he’d seen it. And he’s seen the damage that it left on Onni, spoken to him about it. He doesn’t agree with Lalli, that they are unknowable to anyone who didn’t go through the exact same tragedy – because again, that would limit the people who are capable or allowed to know Onni to just Lalli, only ever Lalli. ]
And I don’t act like I’m part of your family, you are just so used to Onni having nobody in his life at all except you and Tuuri because he gave up everything looking after you, but I’m his friend, and I care about him. He deserves to have people around him who like him and who he can trust and who do nice things for him and look after him. You want to chase me away for doing that? You can’t really be that selfish, can you?! You want to make him cry, over and over and over, but you can’t stand the idea of anybody there to cheer him up?
[ He can’t remember the last time he scolded someone like this – Reynir can be stubborn, but he usually limits himself, lets himself calm down, handles conflict by turning the ugly feelings inside. But he keeps remembering opening the door and seeing Onni sobbing because of Lalli, and his warm feelings for Onni are fuel to this fire. ]
You’re the one who doesn’t know, Lalli. You have no idea how badly you hurt him, because he hides it and forgives you immediately no matter what. But I know. Onni is sad all the time. He keeps telling me how worried he is that he never did enough for you, and that you don’t love him and nobody could ever love him, and that his life is nothing without looking after you. And then you go and run off like that, make people think that you’re scared of him like he hurts you?
[ Reynir is shaking faintly, hands balled into fists at his sides. He feels raw and awful and he wants to stop but the words just keep coming. ]
And now I find you here again, avoiding him, talking about not wanting to be around him. And I’ve tried to tell him not to be sad when you stay away, because it’s normal for you to want distance from your family at this age, and reassuring him it doesn’t mean you don’t want to be around him. But I guess I was lying. I guess you really just don’t appreciate him at all and you don’t want anyone else to either.
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But it’s different, when Lalli brings Onni into it. Different when he insists so viciously that (or this is how it sounds to Reynir) Onni doesn’t need anybody else in his life besides his self-centered cousin. That Onni doesn’t deserve to have people of his own, and Lalli refuses to take criticism from anyone about the abysmal way he treats Onni. All he can keep thinking is that things are going to stay exactly the same, and Lalli is going to chase away anyone who tries to get close to Onni or look after him, and Onni deserves better than that.
So Reynir’s face goes hard, jaw set. And the truth just – spills from him, without varnish, without softening. ]
You’re wrong. I’m not a stranger anymore. I know what he and you went through.
[ Reynir might not have lived it, but he’d seen it. And he’s seen the damage that it left on Onni, spoken to him about it. He doesn’t agree with Lalli, that they are unknowable to anyone who didn’t go through the exact same tragedy – because again, that would limit the people who are capable or allowed to know Onni to just Lalli, only ever Lalli. ]
And I don’t act like I’m part of your family, you are just so used to Onni having nobody in his life at all except you and Tuuri because he gave up everything looking after you, but I’m his friend, and I care about him. He deserves to have people around him who like him and who he can trust and who do nice things for him and look after him. You want to chase me away for doing that? You can’t really be that selfish, can you?! You want to make him cry, over and over and over, but you can’t stand the idea of anybody there to cheer him up?
[ He can’t remember the last time he scolded someone like this – Reynir can be stubborn, but he usually limits himself, lets himself calm down, handles conflict by turning the ugly feelings inside. But he keeps remembering opening the door and seeing Onni sobbing because of Lalli, and his warm feelings for Onni are fuel to this fire. ]
You’re the one who doesn’t know, Lalli. You have no idea how badly you hurt him, because he hides it and forgives you immediately no matter what. But I know. Onni is sad all the time. He keeps telling me how worried he is that he never did enough for you, and that you don’t love him and nobody could ever love him, and that his life is nothing without looking after you. And then you go and run off like that, make people think that you’re scared of him like he hurts you?
[ Reynir is shaking faintly, hands balled into fists at his sides. He feels raw and awful and he wants to stop but the words just keep coming. ]
And now I find you here again, avoiding him, talking about not wanting to be around him. And I’ve tried to tell him not to be sad when you stay away, because it’s normal for you to want distance from your family at this age, and reassuring him it doesn’t mean you don’t want to be around him. But I guess I was lying. I guess you really just don’t appreciate him at all and you don’t want anyone else to either.