[ Ben's gaze quickly drops when Peter leans over and squeezes his wrist like that and says he's worth more than he thinks. It's... different, hearing that, knowing it's the complete and total truth. There's absolutely no question of that, now. Peter really means those words. He isn't trying to manipulate him, isn't putting on a more positive front despite interior reservations or disgust. He just... really thinks Ben is worth knowing.
It shouldn't hurt, someone saying something that nice to him, but it does. Ben isn't sure why. He just bites the inside of his cheek, managing a small nod. And when Peter makes that joke about not hitting on him, Ben laughs, the tension breaking. ]
Don't worry. I know you're not.
[ That moment of humorous relief might be brief, but it is just enough to get Ben out of his own head and listening properly as Peter gets around to answering the question. And what he says is... nothing entirely new. He'd known elements of this. That Peter has lost people. That he feels like he has something to make up for. That he carries a heavy burden.
But this fills in the gaps and missing details. That Peter had been alarmed by his powers at first. That he'd tried to actually totally blend in at first. His uncle being murdered. Blaming himself for not stopping it.
Ben is quiet for a while, just reaching over and setting a hand on Peter's shoulder as he wipes away those tears. When he does speak, his voice is quiet, soft. ]
It sounds like you blame yourself, for what happened to him. And that's... what's making you feel like you should be doing more, all the time, subconsciously, even though you're already trying your hardest. And I think it's really easy, getting into these patterns of thinking about yourself that are hard to break. 'Cause I get in them, too. About, like. Things. That happened at the Academy. Stuff that was done to my siblings and stuff that was done to me and stuff that I did on missions and training. A lot of it... I could have stopped. With my powers, it's hard to really argue that anybody forced me into anything. Physically, I could've stopped any of it, at any point.
[ Ben doesn't mean to say half of that - the words come out despite him and there's just no stopping it. Maybe having this conversation when they're both on truth gas was a terrible idea. Or... maybe he had needed that sort of a push, too. He drops his eyes to his hands, worrying at a stray thread on the cuff of his jacket. ]
But - do you see how, with your logic, that makes it all my fault? Even if I was, like. A kid, and scared, and just wanted to make my dad proud?
[ Ben shifts, intensely uncomfortable, the same way he is whenever his home life as a kid comes up. The one silver lining is, at least, perhaps this comparison will jar Peter enough that he might recognize the similarity. He might be more willing to forgive himself if he sees how terrible it would be to turn that same harshness on someone else. Ben knows how much easier it is, to forgive other people than yourself. ]
I've been trying really hard to convince myself it wasn't my fault. So... no. I don't think your uncle was your fault, either. You were a kid, and scared, and wanted to be normal. Just because it was physically possible, maybe, for you to have prevented that terrible thing from happening... it's not your fault, Peter. He died and that's awful and I'm so sorry, but. It wasn't because of you.
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It shouldn't hurt, someone saying something that nice to him, but it does. Ben isn't sure why. He just bites the inside of his cheek, managing a small nod. And when Peter makes that joke about not hitting on him, Ben laughs, the tension breaking. ]
Don't worry. I know you're not.
[ That moment of humorous relief might be brief, but it is just enough to get Ben out of his own head and listening properly as Peter gets around to answering the question. And what he says is... nothing entirely new. He'd known elements of this. That Peter has lost people. That he feels like he has something to make up for. That he carries a heavy burden.
But this fills in the gaps and missing details. That Peter had been alarmed by his powers at first. That he'd tried to actually totally blend in at first. His uncle being murdered. Blaming himself for not stopping it.
Ben is quiet for a while, just reaching over and setting a hand on Peter's shoulder as he wipes away those tears. When he does speak, his voice is quiet, soft. ]
It sounds like you blame yourself, for what happened to him. And that's... what's making you feel like you should be doing more, all the time, subconsciously, even though you're already trying your hardest. And I think it's really easy, getting into these patterns of thinking about yourself that are hard to break. 'Cause I get in them, too. About, like. Things. That happened at the Academy. Stuff that was done to my siblings and stuff that was done to me and stuff that I did on missions and training. A lot of it... I could have stopped. With my powers, it's hard to really argue that anybody forced me into anything. Physically, I could've stopped any of it, at any point.
[ Ben doesn't mean to say half of that - the words come out despite him and there's just no stopping it. Maybe having this conversation when they're both on truth gas was a terrible idea. Or... maybe he had needed that sort of a push, too. He drops his eyes to his hands, worrying at a stray thread on the cuff of his jacket. ]
But - do you see how, with your logic, that makes it all my fault? Even if I was, like. A kid, and scared, and just wanted to make my dad proud?
[ Ben shifts, intensely uncomfortable, the same way he is whenever his home life as a kid comes up. The one silver lining is, at least, perhaps this comparison will jar Peter enough that he might recognize the similarity. He might be more willing to forgive himself if he sees how terrible it would be to turn that same harshness on someone else. Ben knows how much easier it is, to forgive other people than yourself. ]
I've been trying really hard to convince myself it wasn't my fault. So... no. I don't think your uncle was your fault, either. You were a kid, and scared, and wanted to be normal. Just because it was physically possible, maybe, for you to have prevented that terrible thing from happening... it's not your fault, Peter. He died and that's awful and I'm so sorry, but. It wasn't because of you.